Raging, Ranting, Raving, and Rhapsodizing

I haven't talked about this much, but I feel like talking about it today.

A few months ago I wrote about our third wedding anniversary.  What I didn't share was that, on our anniversary, Stephen was laid off from his job.  I didn't talk about it because I wasn't worried about it- God will provide for our needs, and He has- and it was beside the point.  Although the event has had a major effect on our finances, it hasn't changed much else, except that Stephen is home during the day now.  Which means more hiking, biking, and making babies quality time together.

He's been looking for a new job since it happened.  In fact, he had been looking for work since December... the job sucked and he was ready for something new.  When his boss gave him the news, Stephen actually struggled to hide his smile.  Anyway, he's been on unemployment for a while, and we just applied for pregnancy medicaid.  Not a problem for me... I figure I've been giving my money to the government long enough that I might as well get some of it back.  For Stephen, as a conservative, these were challenging decisions to make, and he can't wait to get off government aid.

Anyway, the most amazing thing about the past few months has been our finances- things have been tight, but we've been able to pay every single bill.  God has provided for us every step of the way, and we haven't had a moment of doubt, thinking, "how will we pay for this?"  In fact, my business has been booming- I've been enjoying my best month ever since I started the business last year, and now Stephen is working with me until he finds a "regular" job.

Then, only a few months later we discovered I was pregnant (although, this was no surprise).  Our first thought was "God must be moving to do something incredible for us, because this would generally be considered horrendous timing."

Many Christians have this idea that God puts us in uncertain situations, delights in watching us squirm uncomfortably, and then dramatically comes through for us at the very last second.  But through this process God has shown me that this is not his heart for us.  Rather, he uses the uncertain situations in my life to draw me into Him.  What I'm supposed to be feeling is not doubt or discomfort, but excitement and hopeful expectation in the certainty of God's promises.

I've gotten to a point of not caring about the details, but knowing that God will provide for our material needs.  I'm not asking Him "how?" and "when?"  My heart is settled in His goodness, and I haven't worried about it.  Honestly, I haven't even thought about it outside of mere curiosity over what will happen next.

And I think this is exactly where God wants us; not dominated by doubt and anxiety and fear, we're free to live in genuine relationship with Him... not for what He can provide for us in a given circumstance, but for who He is.

I had my first prenatal appointment yesterday.  They say you're supposed to have your first appointment between 10 and 12 weeks, and I just slipped in under the 12 week mark.  I wouldn't have, except that we finally got our medicaid coverage.  I figured, what will they tell me?  "You're pregnant."  Well, great.  I know that already.  But I got something so much better yesterday!

We decided to go with Mountain Midwifery Center, a birthing center that has come highly recommended by nearly all of my mom-type friends, and I couldn't be more thrilled.  We toured the facility on Monday and then got to spend nearly an hour with a certified nurse-midwife yesterday.  In sharp contrast to a regular doctor's office where your visits last 10-20 minutes and you are little more than a name on a chart, we'll get extra visits that last as long as they need to for us to feel comfortable and get to know each staff member well.

So, when we went in I was 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  After much thorough discussion on my health, it was finally time for the much-anticipated event: finding the heartbeat.  Aubre, the wonderful nurse-midwife who saw us, informed us that you almost never hear the heartbeat until the end of the 13th week, and don't worry if we can't hear it, everything is fine, it's just too early.  As she squirted the cold blue gel on my belly and began moving the dealie around, she commented that she'd be really surprised if we heard anything today.  We heard my heartbeat, and we heard a lot of indiscriminate whooshing, but no baby beat.  In case you were wondering, my uterus sounds like wind blowing through an empty cave.  I was considering how oddly appropriate this picture was when... it happened.

I think she was about the give up when the slightest tilt of the device moved us out of the wind, and suddenly all the whooshing gave way to a tiny, faster-than-fast heartbeat.  I recognized it immediately.  Aubre's jaw dropped in surprise, and unable to restrain myself, I made some noise of astonishment, and my stomach moved, and we lost it.  She managed to find it again for another few seconds, but I giggled and we lost it again.

Somehow, it all feels real to me now.  Obviously, I know I'm pregnant- there's no doubt about that.  After 3 separate tests, a rapidly growing appetite (and belly), and the delightful fact that I haven't touched my tampons in three months, I feel certain about it.  But something changed when I heard that heartbeat- I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh- you're really real!"  I suddenly connected with the person living inside me, and I will never, ever forget the moment I first heard my child's heartbeat.

For three months we've been debating about whether to do a home birth or go to a birthing center, since I'm not considering a hospital birth.  Much of this decision hinges on what kind of home we'll be living in in January.