Saturday, September 11, 2010

That Guy at the Gym

I've belonged to two gyms and used multiple apartment complex facilities, and it seems like this guy is everywhere.  If you've ever been to a gym, you've probably seen him.  And he probably made your workout uncomfortable.  Who is he?

Grunting Unnecessarily Guy
Let me start out by saying that I consider all gym grunting unnecessary and disgusting.  It's why I've actually chosen on several occasions to skip my workout because I've forgotten my iPod... I'd prefer not to hear what you sound like in the bathroom.  But some guys grunt while lifting significant amounts of weight, and that I don't mind as much.  Grunting Unnecessarily Guy is that one dude who is benching less than I can but thinks he's in an iron man competition, and sounds like it.

The Former Bodybuilder
I think there's at least one of these guys working out at every gym in America.  He's usually really buff with a substantial beer-gut.  He's trying to relive his glory days while coping with a rapidly slowing metabolism.  He's never heard of cardio.  He's wearing sweat-pants (possibly cut-off at a modest length), black athletic shoes, and an old Gold's Gym sweater he purchased while Miami Vice was still on the air that's been cut into a deep tank top that shows a little side-man-boob and an alarming amount of pit hair.

The Guy Who Doesn't Actually Work Out
He stands near various pieces of equipment, occasionally doing a set but mostly chugging gatorade and stretching so as to show off his chest.  He checks himself out the mirrors almost as often as he imagines you are checking him out.  You know who I'm talking about.

The Guy Who Might Live at the Gym
Whether you go to gym for a workout in the early morning, over your lunch break, in the middle of the day, or right before closing... he's there.  Whether you go on a Sunday or a Tuesday or a Friday... he's there.  Regardless of when you visit, he's always wearing the same thing.  He's on a first name basis with every single employee.  He may or may not have a job.  Which begs the question, how does he afford his gym membership?  Which makes you think he might be sneaking into a storage closet to sleep every night.

This was the nickname Stephen and I had for this short dude who belonged to our gym in South Carolina, and I've seen the same kind of guy in other facilities.  Junkers is always wearing the same pair of wildly inappropriate, super-tight spandex shorts.

Lower-Back Tattoo Guy
Ok, maybe you haven't seen him at your gym, but I saw him once at our gym, swimming laps.  He got out of the pool wearing speedo shorts- the kind that end right above the knee but are so low cut at the waist you practically need a bikini wax to wear them.  He strutted over to the chair where his towel was.  I was just thinking that he was kind of good looking when he turned around.  And there it was.  A tramp stamp.  A small tribal tattoo, about 3 inches across, right on his lower back.  I'm now sure that he bought the speedo specifically to show it off, because regular swim trunks would have covered it up.  As soon as I saw it, all thoughts of hotness vanished instantly.

That One Guy in Yoga Class
He shows up alone.  He keeps his socks on during class.  He picks a spot right behind you.  He looks around the room during downward dog pose.  He also smells funny.

The Guy Who Comes to Yoga Class Because His Girlfriend is Making Him
He shows up with his girlfriend and looks embarrassed when some other guys see him walk into the yoga studio.  He keeps his socks on during class.  He makes little jokes and comments and gets scolded by his girlfriend.  Someone farts during child's pose and he laughs and gets scolded by his girlfriend.  He looks around the room during downward dog pose and gets scolded by his girlfriend.  He also smells funny.

Stephen kindly made a few contributions:

The Guy Who Walks Around Naked in the Locker Room
He's all nonchalant about it, but everyone knows that he could have put his boxers on a long time ago.  He's really well-built and is obviously showing off.  Everyone makes a concerted effort to keep their eyes from settling at waist level.  The mirrors make this difficult.

The Other Guy Who Walks Around Naked in the Locker Room
Unlike the first guy, he isn't well-built or tan.  He's usually older.  He just hasn't gotten dressed because he doesn't care anymore.  We still can't decide which guy is worse.

Have you seen That Guy at the Gym?  Tell me about it in the comments.