Raging, Ranting, Raving, and Rhapsodizing

I don't know where to begin with our first afternoon (Monday afternoon) at the resort. After we shelled out seventy dollars for Speedy's cab ride, it got crap, crappy, and crappier.

crappy thing 1: They overcharged us by one day for the all-inclusive food deal. Not a huge deal, but it took 20 or 30 minutes for them to put $80 back on the card.

crappy thing 2: We walked into our suite and into the bedroom and saw 2 twin beds. Let me say it again: TWO. BEDS. Separated by a bedside table. Think I Love Lucy- but I bet even Lucy and Ricky shared a bed on their honeymoon. Seriously? 2 tiny beds? ?!?!? Come on, Luperon Beach Resort. That sucks.

crappy thing 3: The floors in our suite were all tile. This means that within 5 minutes of opening the windows and balcony doors, the humidity made the floors completely wet and slippery. This led us to discover a functional use for the superfluous bed: the comforter was spread out on the floor as a rug so we wouldn't slip and break ourselves.

crappy thing 4: The beach. I was thrilled and overjoyed it because the only other time I've seen the ocean (aside from when I was too young to remember) was when Stephen proposed to me in South Carolina. The prospect of SWIMMING in the ocean was almost too much for me to handle. We quickly discovered that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The beach itself looks innocent enough, but along this particular stretch of beach, enormous rocks hide just beneath the surface and you end up tripping over them as soon as you get waist deep in the water. Stephen indulged me till' I got tired of this game and we went to go eat dinner.

crappy thing 5: The "restaurant" was in fact more of a buffet. You pick up your own plate, slop out some food , sit at some random table squished between the lady with cankles and the family with 4 unruly children, and eat. This food is kept out in troughs for several hours during meal times, in open air. You narrow down exactly WHAT you will slop onto your plate by choosing from the following categories: "acceptable", "questionable", or "dear god, what IS that?" I'm sorry, but if you don't have a menu, you're not a restaurant.

crappy thing 6: When you picture a beach resort, you probably think of Pina Coladas and Strawberry Daiquiris. As all-inclusive guests, we could have whatever we wanted from the bar. The thing is, the drinks come in disappointing little plastic cups similar to the one you'd use to serve your 5 year old milk, and I don't think our drinks came with much more alcohol than a glass of milk might. For me, pretty glasses are half the fun of mixed drinks. And I need some alcohol in me if I'm going to spend all day surrounded by fat, sunburned, speedo'd men in their late 50s. We started asking for our drinks with double shots- hey, we're paying 80 bucks a day! We want our money's worth!

crappy thing 7: Our building was very near the main bar area where they apparently have live music and karaoke late into the night. Enough said.

crappy thing 8: Crappy thing 7 is even crappier when you already can't sleep because it's sweltering hot. It's even hotter because you're sharing a tiny bed with your husband (we would not sleep in separate beds on principal. It's our frickin honeymoon, we are sleeping in the same bed.) and he can't sleep either and neither of us ate very well that evening. Again, enough said. Things 1-8 make for serious mood ruiners.