Friday, July 13, 2007

Let me summarize the last few weeks thus:

I got in a fender bender, my fault.

Our deductible is $1000.

The auto-body shop is going to have my car for 2-3 weeks and Stephen and I have one car left between us, so I have to learn to drive a stick shift and it's frustrating.

It's beginning to sink in that we're moving in 2 months. All I'm going to have is Stephen, Moses, and Stephen's family (who I enjoy, but it's not the same as having my family).

I've been pissed off at God for a few weeks and I didn't talk to Him for a while. Now I'm entering a period of getting very real with Him. It's a long story.

I've been battling depression and losing. I'm depressed because we're in debt and we have to pay 1000 bucks for my stupid mistake, and because soon I'm leaving everything I know and love and I'm afraid to be alone, and because it's really, really hard to live without God and I'm completed exhausted from trying to pull myself out of bed everyday.

So, I'm sorry to everyone who reads my blog. I've been a little preoccupied and I haven't been writing because I've reasoned that you probably don't want to read about the shit, you want to read the funny sarcastic stuff I usually write. But I keep trying and I can't write anything genuine that's good and happy and funny right now. So I'm just going to write about the shit because it's making me sick to internalize it. If you want to read about it, keep coming back. Maybe along the way I'll discover something good about the last month; a sparkle in the waste.

4 comments:

ThomG said...

R: Writing through the shit will get you to where you need to go. Right with God, right with the world. The whole world is in transition, and I feel blessed that you are out there willing to spill the crap, right along with the funny, sarcastic stuff. Write away.

Beth said...

Hi Rachel, sorry you're going through so much at the minute...I know this will sound glib...but it will pass! Write it all...an extended family member commented privately to me lately that I was too personal on my blog and I remmeber thinking if she only knew what I wanted to blog but don't or the odd post I re-think! Stuff it...we're human no one has to stay and read!

Melissa said...

Rachel, I feel every word you've written. I too am horrible when it comes to transitioning(and there've been lots with this Army life), but hold fast and know that it will get better.

I don't know if you remember, but the very first entry you ever commented on my blog was when I was extremely down and Wes was in Iraq. It's the only entry I truely feel like I let it out and it helped me so much. Like Beth, there are many things I haven't written in my blog because you never know who will read it and what they'll think. I've also rewritten and deleted many things that are too political, in rage, or things I feel I'm the only person that would care about them. But I think your entry speaks to us all, we all have trying times in our lives and you have to get it out because keeping it in only allows it to stew and boil over.

Last year when Wes was gone, God and I had many real conversations. There were many days I'd scream into my pillow with everything in me and cry out to Him and wonder when the pain would end. And though it aches in every part of you, know that no matter what, He'll never let you go.

Beth said...

Hi Rachel...how ya doing? Was just sending prayers your way and thought I'd stop on over! "He has put His angels in charge of you to watch over you where ever you go" Psalm 91!