Monday, January 03, 2011
I've been pregnant for 39 weeks now. Over the last few days I've had a handful of people pay me truly lovely compliments, and continued comments from my friends, family, and fabulous husband have helped me maintain emotional balance throughout the process.
Unfortunately, I've also gotten my share of insensitive (or just plain rude) comments along the way, as pretty much every pregnant woman has. Here are a few things people have actually said to me, and my suggestions for how to make them sound more like the compliments I trust they were originally intended to be:
Actual Comment: "That's quite a bulge."
No. It's really not. A bulge is excess fat that hangs over your too-tight pants because you're trying to pretend you're still a size 8 even though you're a 12. A belly is a sweet, gently rounded abdomen that is accommodating the miracle of life within. A bulge is gross. A belly is cute. We want to have a baby belly.
Suggested Alternative: "Looks like baby is growing wonderfully!"
Actual Comment: "WOW! You must be having twins!"
Why, because I'm enormous? Really. Thanks. Would you like to comment on my crazy-hormone-acne, as well? Or how about the arm flab I just noticed the other day? I could show you my new stretch mark, if you wanted. I mean, as long as you're reassuring me about all my insecurities.
Suggested Alternative: Shut up. If your only comment on her pregnancy and upcoming bundle of joy is related to her overwhelming size, I promise, she doesn't want to hear about it.
Actual Comment: "How do you feel?"
Ok, there's nothing inherently wrong with this question. My problem is with people who ask "How do you feel?" in the tone of voice you would use when addressing someone who just fractured their leg in six places or found out they have terminal cancer. The woman you are speaking to is pregnant, not critically injured or ill. Whether she's feeling great or not, she doesn't need your pity. She could probably benefit from your encouragement, though.
Suggested Alternative: Same phrasing, but try it without projecting your bummer expectations about pregnancy on the recipient.
Actual Comment: "You'd better hurry up and have that baby!"
This was a month before my due date. Turns out, she had me confused with another pregnant lady and thought I had passed my due date already. An honest mistake. However, had I been approaching 42 weeks as she'd thought, the comment probably would only have served to make me feel more pressured and anxious about the fact that I still hadn't had a baby.
Suggested Alternative: "I bet you're excited to meet your baby!"
Actual comment: "You look so big/huge/tired/fat/ready to pop!"
A growing belly is the sign of a healthy pregnancy. We want to get bigger, and most of the preggers ladies I've met are delighted with the process. But consider- just for a moment- how your phrasing will sound to the woman you're talking to. As I continue to be the recipient of these kinds of comments, I'm increasingly tempted to respond with things like, "Aww, so are you!" and "You barely fit into that top!" But I keep them to myself, and then write blog posts about them later.
Suggested Alternative: "You look so beautiful/healthy/amazing/incredible/glowing!" (This one, using any of the suggested words or any derivation of them, is always safe. ALWAYS.)
Actual Comment: "You're still pregnant."
Trust me on this one. If it feels to you like she's been carrying a baby for a long time, it doesn't feel like it's been any less time to her.
Suggested Alternative: "So, when are you due?" (Again, another one that's always safe.)
Actual Comment: "That shirt's workin hard."
Alright, this one doesn't bother me, but only because my husband says it to me. It's a line from Juno. We think it's funny.
Suggested Alternative: I do not recommend trying this on anyone but your best friend who has also seen Juno and liked it and would definitely remember the line.
In any conversation with a pregnant woman, carefully consider your relationship with her and your level of intimacy before saying something you can't take back. My close friends and family can make comments and ask questions that acquaintances would never get away with. And if you are so socially awkward that you don't know the difference between preggers small talk and asking if her nipples are weird now, maybe you shouldn't be talking to her at all.
What about you, moms and mothers-to-be? What unbelievable or humorous-now-but-not-so-much-at-the-time comments did you receive during pregnancy?
Friday, October 22, 2010
She's always creeped me out, but I've never been able to put my finger on exactly why. She's doesn't seem as malevolent as Martha, just... not right. Her piercing blue eyes, oddly perfect hair, and intense close-up photographs on the cover on her magazine just give me the jibblies. Amy texted me a photograph of her the other day. That same day, I read a little article about her and had to share the news with Amy.
Our text conversation went as follows:
Me: Fun fact about Paula Deen: apparently she was agoraphobic for 20 years. Since she never left her house, she taught herself to cook. So, no wonder she has crazy face. She had virtually no human contact for like 2 decades.
Amy: Wow. That explains so much. :)
Me: I wonder if she talked to the food as she was slicing and sauteing. Shiver.
Amy: That's a creepy creepy image.
Me: Let it really sink in. It gets worse.
Amy: Like a sociopath. Speaking gently, almost reassuringly as she decapitates. Shudder.
Me: That's the funniest/most disturbing thing I've ever heard!!!
Amy: It might be the most disturbing thing I've ever written. I need to get that image out of my head.
Not sure you believe me? See for yourself.
Not sure you believe me? See for yourself.
 |
| Paula with a few unfortunate victims |
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I've belonged to two gyms and used multiple apartment complex facilities, and it seems like this guy is everywhere. If you've ever been to a gym, you've probably seen him. And he probably made your workout uncomfortable. Who is he?
Grunting Unnecessarily Guy
Let me start out by saying that I consider all gym grunting unnecessary and disgusting. It's why I've actually chosen on several occasions to skip my workout because I've forgotten my iPod... I'd prefer not to hear what you sound like in the bathroom. But some guys grunt while lifting significant amounts of weight, and that I don't mind as much. Grunting Unnecessarily Guy is that one dude who is benching less than I can but thinks he's in an iron man competition, and sounds like it.
The Former Bodybuilder
I think there's at least one of these guys working out at every gym in America. He's usually really buff with a substantial beer-gut. He's trying to relive his glory days while coping with a rapidly slowing metabolism. He's never heard of cardio. He's wearing sweat-pants (possibly cut-off at a modest length), black athletic shoes, and an old Gold's Gym sweater he purchased while Miami Vice was still on the air that's been cut into a deep tank top that shows a little side-man-boob and an alarming amount of pit hair.
The Guy Who Doesn't Actually Work Out
He stands near various pieces of equipment, occasionally doing a set but mostly chugging gatorade and stretching so as to show off his chest. He checks himself out the mirrors almost as often as he imagines you are checking him out. You know who I'm talking about.
The Guy Who Might Live at the Gym
Whether you go to gym for a workout in the early morning, over your lunch break, in the middle of the day, or right before closing... he's there. Whether you go on a Sunday or a Tuesday or a Friday... he's there. Regardless of when you visit, he's always wearing the same thing. He's on a first name basis with every single employee. He may or may not have a job. Which begs the question, how does he afford his gym membership? Which makes you think he might be sneaking into a storage closet to sleep every night.
Junkers
This was the nickname Stephen and I had for this short dude who belonged to our gym in South Carolina, and I've seen the same kind of guy in other facilities. Junkers is always wearing the same pair of wildly inappropriate, super-tight spandex shorts.
Lower-Back Tattoo Guy
Ok, maybe you haven't seen him at your gym, but I saw him once at our gym, swimming laps. He got out of the pool wearing speedo shorts- the kind that end right above the knee but are so low cut at the waist you practically need a bikini wax to wear them. He strutted over to the chair where his towel was. I was just thinking that he was kind of good looking when he turned around. And there it was. A tramp stamp. A small tribal tattoo, about 3 inches across, right on his lower back. I'm now sure that he bought the speedo specifically to show it off, because regular swim trunks would have covered it up. As soon as I saw it, all thoughts of hotness vanished instantly.
That One Guy in Yoga Class
He shows up alone. He keeps his socks on during class. He picks a spot right behind you. He looks around the room during downward dog pose. He also smells funny.
The Guy Who Comes to Yoga Class Because His Girlfriend is Making Him
He shows up with his girlfriend and looks embarrassed when some other guys see him walk into the yoga studio. He keeps his socks on during class. He makes little jokes and comments and gets scolded by his girlfriend. Someone farts during child's pose and he laughs and gets scolded by his girlfriend. He looks around the room during downward dog pose and gets scolded by his girlfriend. He also smells funny.
Stephen kindly made a few contributions:
The Guy Who Walks Around Naked in the Locker Room
He's all nonchalant about it, but everyone knows that he could have put his boxers on a long time ago. He's really well-built and is obviously showing off. Everyone makes a concerted effort to keep their eyes from settling at waist level. The mirrors make this difficult.
The Other Guy Who Walks Around Naked in the Locker Room
Unlike the first guy, he isn't well-built or tan. He's usually older. He just hasn't gotten dressed because he doesn't care anymore. We still can't decide which guy is worse.
Have you seen That Guy at the Gym? Tell me about it in the comments.
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