Raging, Ranting, Raving, and Rhapsodizing

My heart aches today. I have family outside of Castle Rock, fairly near to Bailey. Emily Keyes, the girl who was shot and killed at Platte Canyon High School, in Bailey, was a friend of my cousin. If you don't know about what happened, get out from under your rock and go today to Fox31.com, CNN.com or any other news source- I can almost guarantee it will be the main headline. This is going to go down in history just like Columbine, which was not long ago nor far from the site of the current tragedy.

53 year old Duane Morrison walked into Platte Canyon High yesterday, dressed like any regular high school student and carrying a backpack that he claimed held a bomb. He entered a classroom on the 2nd floor, lined the kids up against the wall, and hand picked who would stay and who would leave. He selected only girls to remain. He then kept them hostage for 3 hours, apparently sexually assaulted them, and eventually let 4 of them go, one by one. The SWAT team was forced to enter the room because of a mysterious 4 o'clock deadline given by the gunman, along with hearing the remaining 2 hostages screaming. The gunman used Emily as a human sheild and shot her when she tried to get away. Then he shot himself. We come to find out that the only thing in his backpack was a collection of "sexual aides".

What happened in that classroom? Why did it go on for so long? What did the negotiations sound like? What makes a man reach the point of sickness that he would do this? Who would have ever expected this in a small mountain town, at a tiny high school? My heart just breaks for Emily, for her family, for each of those girls that were held against their will, for the school, for the community. It's so close to home- the second time in a decade that something like this has happened in a Denver area school.

This tragedy is unfathomable. I realized- that could have been my cousin. That could have been my sister. It's just too much to think about- I'm so thankful for my loved ones. I'm somber today as the details of this sad situation continue to unfold. Please focus your prayers towards the Keyes family and the other victims.

Peace, and a good year! More on that later.

I was directed to dress up today because I'm the receptionist and big-time oil executives from our Calgary office are visiting the Denver HQ. My bosses made a pretty big deal about it. So I, being the happy-to-submit-to-authority type that I am, dressed exactly the same as always (which is very nice and professional, and didn't need to be changed, in my opinion). Anyway, it's usually casual Friday, which means jeans, so I think I did pretty good with my boots and skirt. Then I noticed that instead of slacks and ties, the men on my team are wearing jeans and cotton polos. My BOSS is wearing tennis shoes and jeans and a denim jacket. WHAT?? And I'm wearing a skirt? I SHAVED my LEGS!!! Incidentally, I haven't even SEEN any executives. Whine, whine, whine.

Speaking of whine, I need to go buy some (wine, that is) for Rosh Hashana tomorrow, which segues conveniently into what's been on my mind lately. For me, the High Holy Days are a time to reflect and re-evaluate. It's a time to remember the past and celebrate the future. It's a time that always reminds me God's goodness and grace as I reconcile the ancient traditions of Judaism with the redeeming work that Christ my saviour did on the cross. Instead of spending ten days repenting I spend ten days searching my heart, humbling myself before the Lord and seeking His face. It is a time to be thankful for His provision, His promises, and His mercy. As the new year for legal contracts, it is a time to break old ties that have kept me bound and to forge new Holy agreements.

I just have to remember the grace that is available to me now... this is a constant struggle. I am justified by Christ, and have been set free. I am free indeed! My tendency around this time of year would typically be to focus on my failings, my inadequacies, my insufficiencies. I would resolve to be righteous, to pray more, fast more, give more; as if my strivings could earn merit in the sight of the Almighty! My righteousness is like filthy rags before Him. I've since matured a little and realized how much my merit before God is worth. If he gave me what I deserved, what I earned... But He loves me, HAS loved me since before creation, and continues to love me IN SPITE of my sin and pride and humanity. My hearts deepest desire is to live a pure and righteous life that is pleasing to God, but I am insufficient. Everyone is, but His grace is sufficient for me, and His mercies are new every day. My God is bigger than my sin.

Search me, O God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxieties; see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 NKJV

Ketima Ve-Chatima Tovah! May you be written and sealed for a good year!

So, since I just turned 21, I needed to obtain one of those mystical "horizontal licenses" that I keep hearing about (I don't know about all ya'll, but in CO you get a vertical license if you're under 21). So I made a little trip down to my friendly not-so-much-in-my-neighborhood-but-really-more-like-way-out-of-my-way DMV. I'll just say now that I arrived at 2:18 and didn't leave till 5:30. Friends, for those of you that are math disinclined, as I am, that's 3 hours and 12 minutes. What more can I say?

But Stephen helpfully pointed out that I don't need to renew at the DMV again for 12 years, so if you space out 192 minutes of wasted life sitting in an uncomfortable chair surrounded by staring children and screaming babies and a loud russian man having a very heated conversation on his phone... anyway, if you space that out over 12 years, it's really quite miniscule. But I just decided I shouldn't whine about it.

The upshot is I had just visited my new favorite guy ever, the chiropractor, so my back felt great. I got to sit next to this older and very interesting guy named Al and we talked about all sorts of random subjects. I'm glad I gave him a chance- at first I was just frustrated because I was obviously reading and had both headphones in (how I love my iPOD nano!!), and he was just chatting away, and I was a tad creeped. But I decided (honestly, just because he was obviously not going to leave me alone to fume in peace) to talk to him, and managed to spend away a good 45 minutes laughing and joking with him. It was a good lesson- I need to not accept my first impression every time. I need to allow room for conversation and encounter. I don't want to shut the world out. I don't want to close myself off.

Another funny thing was a cute little mexican girl who was turned completely around in the chair in front of me, so she was facing me. She just sat and stared and it was really starting to bug me, so I made a face at her. I stuck my tongue out (yes, I am 21. yes, I am really making faces at a 2 year old), and lil' latina giggled and giggled... and something very, very strange happened in me... i giggled back...

"What... what is this strange feeling in my chest?" :::black, shriveled heart beats once:::

"What is this emotion?" :::heart beats again, smile cracks across my face:::

"What is happening to me? NOO! My beautiful, beautiful fury... melting!! My anger... fading, fading! Must...stop... joy.... aaaagggghahahhahahahaha!!"

That little girl really changed my heart. We sat for a good 5 minutes making faces at each other and laughing quietly. I was annoyed that I was having fun, at the DMV, 2 hours and 58 minutes into the ordeal... I was supposed to be indignant!! But I just couldn't help it, and she was having fun, too. Everyone else just kept scowling at her and she kept getting scolded by her obviously exhausted and overwhelmed mother. Lil' Latina was a small spark of happiness in a very shitty afternoon, and I learned that life can happen anywhere, if I'll only be open to it. This is getting really cheesy... :)

Anyway, I'm going to have a brand new horizontal license with a lovely picture of myself with fantastic hair (I actually did it... which is to say... washed it... and tried hard to not touch it) and a sarcastic, irritated smile mailed to me in a few weeks.

I am listening to Jason Mraz- who, don't be fooled by his MTV hits, is a face-meltingly amazing vocalist and guitarist. I think I will go empty the dishwasher and then play the guitar for a while.