Raging, Ranting, Raving, and Rhapsodizing

Today is my last day working for the Lutheran Church! That's right, folks, no more pulling my hair out all day because the pastor's kids won't stop screaming and wailing and he won't pay attention to them. No more awkward people divulging random and/or irrelevant information to me completely unprovoked. No more bored Lutherans complaining because I forgot to capitalize some word in the liturgy this week. No more spending my days in a hundred year old building that smells just slightly of mold. And I'd like to be able to say no more ignorant people spelling my name "Rachael", even after being repeatedly corrected, but I know better than that.

Starting Monday, I'm going to be working at a childcare center. I wasn't actually looking for a new job, but God literally dropped the opportunity into my lap, and I got hired on the spot. I'm not sure if they've decided what age group to put me with, or what my days are going to look like, or even exactly how much I'm going to be paid... come to think of it, I'm not sure of a lot of things. But I am sure that the Lord arranged this, so it's hard to be worried about it.

The Pastor brought me a going away present. A bottle of Great Divide IPA, which I don't really like (I'm more of a Guinness girl), but it was a very nice gesture. Stephen says I should put some food coloring in it when I drink it, and make comments like, "This chocolate stout tastes suspiciously like a pale ale."

Oh, the excitement!

The prompts at Three Word Wednesday are:

dissolve
trinket
zest


Cheesecake

Judy used to be a passionate woman, full of joy and life. Everything was right, everything was sunny, and Judy felt it always would be. When Richard died, all of that changed. Her passion waned. Her once boundless enthusiasm dissolved slowly like some long lost trinket at the bottom of the sea, amidst the wreckage of a forgotten ship. The reality of the loss of her husband battered her like innumerable waves, and she felt that she would never love again. Eight years went by, and Judy kept mourning Richard, kept living life but not really living it, kept feeling sorry for herself.

Judy's fifty-sixth birthday found her standing alone in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble, wondering if any of the books could really help her find herself again. Judy began to feel eyes on her. Looking to her right, she saw him. A tall man of about 60, with more gray in his hair than brown, and well dressed. He was in the cooking section, holding open a cookbook. He noticed her looking back at him, and smiled.

"Maybe you can help me," he said open-endedly. Judy noticed his bare ring finger. She walked over to him, trying to appear casual. Her heart was fluttering, and she told herself that she was being silly and girlish.
"What are you making?"
"I thought I'd try my hand at a cheesecake. But I'm afraid I'm feeling a little overwhelmed." And he sounded overwhelmed. Judy glanced down at the recipe he held the book open to. New York Style.
"Any special occasion?" she searched, hoping against hope.
"No. I just needed to... well, I wanted to try something new. I've never baked anything," he half-muttered, and looked away.
After a moment, Judy said, "I happen to consider myself somewhat of an expert cheesecake baker, if you don't mind me saying so."
He grinned, and her eyes twinkled back at him. "I'd be honored to have the expert assist me. How about it?" he offered playfully.
"Well, come on, then," she laughed back as they made their way to the exit. "I like to add a little lemon zest in my cheesecake. Got any lemons?"
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Since James recently did a post about Kiwiology (not kiwiology... since kiwi's can't talk, of course), I have decided to follow in a similar vein. I present: Southernisms. Admittedly South Carolina is not quite as exotic as New Zealand, and we definitely don't have any hobbits or belrogs or rings of infinite power, nonetheless, it is where I live. So here are some words and phrases I have heard used in regular conversation since moving here.

Bless Your/Her/His Heart: Usually said in a pitiful or condescending way. "The poor thing just ain't pretty, bless her heart."

Ya'll: You All. A Quintessential Southernism.

Ain't: Are Not. Another Southern classic which has spread nation wide.

Fixin' to: Preparing to. "I'm fixin' to make me some fried chicken."

Over/Down Yonder: Over there, wherever. "We're goin' down yonder to the Bob Evans."

Whenever: Used in place of "when", referring to a specific incident or day. "I was so proud whenever my boy graduated from college."

A Whole Mess Of: A LOT. "I've got myself a whole mess a' fried chicken, I tell you what."

Up Under: This phrase is utterly nonsensical. "I'm gonna hafta get up under the house to do some work."

Cute As A Bug's Ear: Cute. Really cute. Adorable, even. I didn't know bug's had ears, I thought they had sonar or vibration sense or something, but whatever. "Cute as a bug's sonar sense mechanism" doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely.

Useful As A Trap Door In A Canoe: If you can't figure this one out, I'm not explaining.

Slipperier Than Snot On A Doorknob: A lovely, refined way to describe something which is slippery, be it figurative or otherwise.

Bo': Dude. Bro. Man. Our friend Scott uses this one a lot and it still sounds weird to me.

I Done...: Used in place of the pronoun "I". "I done told ya, woman." One time I was grocery shopping and was buying a single can of beer to put in chili. The woman behind me in line shouted, "That ain't my beer! I done quit drinkin!"

Smack-Dab in the Middle: Another one that just doesn't make sense to me. What the crap is a smack-dab?

Hanker: I want. "I've got a hankerin for some fried chicken."

Dadgum: Damn.

Dagnabbit: Damnit.

Plumb: Completely. "I'm plumb wore out from workin up under the house and eatin all that there fried chicken."

That'll Learn Me (or Learn You): That'll teach me. "That'll learn you not to eat a whole mess a' fried chicken and then work up under the house, bo'."

In the Woodshed: You are in trouble and you're gonna get beat. You even get to pick your own switch, according to my friend Kristen.

Double Negatives (didn't nobody go, hadn't ought): "Didn't nobody learn nothin from this here dadgum post?".

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