Raging, Ranting, Raving, and Rhapsodizing

We've all heard of multi-level marketing (MLM) companies and pyramid schemes, promising you and your family financial freedom for eternity and your own island and your own yacht to get to the island and probably some girls in bikinis who live on the island.  Maybe you've even known a few individuals that were enterprising enough to sign on to one of these programs.  Liberty International, headed by CEO Randy Jeffers, is the parent company for many of these scams reputable companies, and today, I learned something extremely noteworthy about him that I felt I needed to share with you.

We happen to know a few people who have gotten involved with Jeffers' new 'business opportunity', a company called WOW mobile that (of course) promises you free everything for life if you get people to sign up under you, causing distributors to alienate all their friends for free wireless service.

We've been told that at meetings for these new distributors, Randy Jeffers is claiming to be the inventor of VoIP.  NO, no, not Voice over Internet Protocol, the family of technologies that revolutionized wireless communications a few years ago.  VOIP, the noise a robot makes as it turns its enemy into a pile of steaming ash with its powerful robot laser vision.

An awesome robot disintegrates a pyramid scheme using laser vision, which was probably also invented by Randy Jeffers.  (art credit: me)

You see, Stephen and I have done some extensive digging on the history of Voice over Internet Protocol, and can't find a single reference to Randy Jeffers or Liberty International!  So, one can only assume that he must have had an important role in developing VOIP, the quintessential robot sound effect.  I wonder what other robot sound effects Jeffers has pioneered?  The man is a genius, and God bless him.

My illustrious husband is the master of improvisational silly songs, spontaneous ironic raps, and situational humor.  Many of his ridiculous songs and raps have worked their way into our regular 'vocabulary', like the one my little nephews like to sing to the tune of twinkle twinkle little star, "tickle tickle little feet, they are sweaty and they stink."

We're also a big fan of facebook games, like the time we got friends to comment about "Things you can say about your furniture but not your spouse".  So last night Stephen had the brilliant idea to start a rap battle on his facebook status, inviting friends to "pretend you are a rapper writing your first song.  It's all about bragging... what you got, gangsta?"

Of course, he roped me into it... I love hip hop but I'm straight up white.  Ask me to spit some rhymes on the spot, and I would probably just spit.  But writing... ahh, this is where I feel comfortable.  So I sat down to write my first rap, and I found it was actually kind of a fun writing exercise.  (Having said that, I'm fully aware of how lame it sounds.  Street cred = gone)  Anyway, here it is:

Yo, I'm a hippie green babe and I eat granola, You know I got more lines than Emile Zola. I try to shop at Whole Foods when our budget allows, don't eat a lot of meat, got to save them cows. Boys, let me drop some knowledge, I'ma show you how.

This is how I roll, on my own two feet. Ain't got no carbon footprint, got your prius beat. When you see me struttin on my way to the store, you know I'm bringing my own bags, ya'll, I'm green hardcore.

I'm always wearing flip flops, rain or shine. Even when it's snowy, dude you know I don't whine. I'm a Denver hippie girl, granola through and through, politically moderate, son, you know how I do. Don't wear no makeup cause I'm natural, but I always shave my pits cause that's just ... no one wants to see that....

I'm out.

Stephen and I, like many of you, have been receiving Christmas cards over the past few weeks.  I myself never send them out.  It's just something I don't think of.  But if I did, I would make a point of addressing each envelope the way I like to receive them.

When Stephen and I got married, I was hesitant to take his last name.  Honestly, one of the reasons* I did is that it's much simpler to spell than my maiden name.  I'm very proud of my maiden name, and I'm very much my own person, so it was difficult to change a part of what used to identify me.  So on our wedding day, I was insistent that our pastor introduce us a certain way.  I drilled him about it for weeks so that he would remember.  Because, on my wedding day, I didn't want to become Mrs. Stephen LastName.  I'm becoming his wife, but I'm retaining my identity and individuality.  So my pastor introduced us as Mr. and Mrs. Stephen and Rachel LastName.

This is something I'm pretty passionate about, and the Christmas card thing always brings it out of me again.  A few people (those not of my generation) have sent cards addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Lastname.  I know it was considered proper back in the day... but why can't we just be Stephen and Rachel?  Why do I have to lose my first name, too?  Every time I get a card addressed this way, I feel like feminism never happened.  My husband would never relegate me to an extension of himself- why does it seem like so many other people do?

Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Christ, who is the true source of my identity, and no one can take that away from me.  I look past the envelope and appreciate the card and the thought behind it.  It's not even the individuals that sent the ill-addressed card that I'm offended by.  It's the whole concept of "Mr. and Mrs. Man" that offends me.  Thankfully, this concept seems to be on its way out.

Sort of a strange thing to write about on Christmas Eve... it's just where my mind is this morning.

*Mostly, I took Stephen's name because I love him, wanted to honor him, and I believe in biblical submission to my husband.  This means he does everything with my best interests in mind and puts me before himself, so when I defer to him I can trust him to make wise choices for us.  It does NOT mean that he treats me like shit, takes advantage of me, or acts as my ruler and master.  Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord..."  But a few verses later, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, who gave himself up for us: "...husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies."  Lots of people know that Christians believe the wife has to submit and respect her husband.  What most of them don't realize is that he has to sacrifice himself and love his wife unconditionally.  The wonderful thing is, I married a man who really lives this way.

I guess this post turned out to be more Christmas appropriate than I originally planned.  Jesus was born for the sole purpose of dying for you.  He gave up His throne, became a man, and lived a perfect life, just so He could die and rise again.  He did this because He loves you (YOU!) and He wants you (yes, YOU!) to be with him forever.  He's not pointing His finger at you, or shaking His head in disappointment, or angry about the things you've done wrong.  Maybe that's what your dad did... but Jesus isn't like any other man!  He's 100% filled with unconditional, unchanging love for you.  I hope you encounter the real Jesus this Christmas.