Thursday, August 31, 2006

Purging of Dross

Lately I've begun to feel apathetic. Apathy is not emotion that suddenly forces itself to the forefront of your consciousness- it's not a strong sensation. I'm always amazed at the way this state of mind creeps up on me. Every other emotion I experience is immediately recognizable (fear, anger, or happiness) and it motivates me effectively to take some kind of action. But apathy crawls into my mind and soul slowly and, unnoticed, begins to make me numb. It's a long time before I realize how lazy I've become, and by that point I'm too comfortable with my indifference to make a change.

I'm beginning to feel stagnant, like a filthy pond that's been cut off from its water source. The worst thing is that I know where to get fresh water, and I'm the one who cuts it off. I want to be a "tree planted by streams of water, who yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither", but I'm not prospering. I'm not pursuing the Lord and I feel dull and lifeless; I'm just "going through the motions". I feel like a picture with no color, an old black and white movie with no sound.

I need to stir myself up! I need to rouse myself from my slumber! I always get to this point and wonder how I allowed things to get so bad... stirring myself up is something I must do everyday. I go through phases where I'm really, really good about it- I'm in the scripture everyday, I'm on my guitar worshipping regularly, I'm writing, I'm singing, I'm praying, I'm filled up and overflowing and walking right in step with God. Then I fall out of the habit, I get busy, I stop spending time, my Bible collects dust, I start taking in the world in little, seemingly harmless bits, I stop hearing the voice of the Lord and I stop feeling the promptings of the Holy Spirit, and I end up depressed and totally empty. (As evidenced by one or two notably angry recent postings)

Does everyone have this problem? Is there anyone who remains steady and strong and focused? There must be a way to maintain a sure footing and a firm pace, and fix my gaze on the Lord, even as the world and my flesh pull me and distract me. I'm sick of living in this cycle of zeal and vapidity. I need a real change.

"For there is not a just man on earth who does good and does not sin."
Ecclesiastes 7:20

"But now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus." Romans 3:21-26

I don't have any comment to add to these scriptures. I just feel like I should spend time meditating on the word and pressing into prayer. I need to seek the face of the Almighty.

He will melt my hard heart so the dross can be seperated and I may be made like pure silver. Not dull, but molten, and reshaped, shining with His reflected glory.


Melissa said...


Thanks for checking out my blog and for your encouragement. That's the first time I'd heard the German translation of my name. It brought tears to my eyes and gave me chills, in a good way. :)

I completely understand going back and forth with being steadfast in your relationship with God. I'm so thankful for His grace.

I feel for your cousin, but she'll find she is stronger than she ever knew. My husband is also going to career course for 6 months, but this time, I'm going with him!

Happy Belated Birthday!